(not in vain)

Really though it feels so good to be back.

This is not by any means a give in..

Realizing that in life you are never given a chance to let your guard down.

Time after time, I forget that those I love and trust could snake me.

Working on at least not snaring myself. :)

People give up their freedom to be able to relax and have everything go smoothly for once..

& many will tell you it wasn't worth it.

Feel how you feel

There's no substitute for feeling good about yourself.

In the Agreements

It is said that it's your own boundaries that you must respect if you want to be happy.

& there's been a perpetual push on them..

I swear, they were hoping to implement a full on lock down of the world last year if they could've got away with it.

So they g on spending their abundant resources on everything in their way..

Or that's how I see it.

p

Real love letter

My next idea does not tend to appear until i have written what I already have thought up..

& A LOT of times I feel I could save myself a lot of pain if I just post the general theme of the hour.

& I often work on it & say ok, this isn't postable.. I'll come back to it tomorrow.

Usually I'm better off if I post what I have and clean it up tomorrow but that also leaves a lot of room for wonder.

I hope by now you've realized that I always make it right.

You might think it's unfixable..

though i feel stuck on one topic, so felt the need to space out these thoughts and give them the proper consideration.

As im going about my exercises and my thoughts go in different directions

i feel i need to put it out in there (in the air per se?

like 911.. Sure it was 20 years ago.. Still not ok with it. Every so often just have to remind you too..

That's how we got in this mess in the 1st place.

Ive been better at accepting

That you get paid for partying

Still somehow trying to convince you that's not what you ought to do

American woman...

Not something I'd do..

Though my case is a little different. Feel I have a chip on my shoulder..

Uncle Sam probably wanted me to go to college.. i tried it and quit and since my parents are immigrants..

i felt the next best thing i could do is the really hard jobs no one else wants to do. For he sakes of my fellow regular person..

I've put in my time..

The last 24 years: excluding my mid 20s that I spent time on my self I was working in commerce. Last year was the most I've ever made and this year i surpassed that amount back in September. & still I'm close to broke

So I can't tell anyone anything except from my experience, it starts with a partnership and it's built on that.

I tried to tell her the icing on the cake, that if we work well together we can be way more then straight

& she didn't believe me, once again... So in my mind I'm just like "ok stupid"

I'm not gonna try to explain it to you, especially when I'm pretty sure you're a rat..

& it hurts me to say it, there's never been a time I doubted in her in my life..

& we were still talking on the phone & I mentioned how she's quick to act rash if the impulse is sexy enough..

I'm not against seduction..

I just don't practice it, I'm the kind to take my time & do it right, though I still haven't developed my methodology. & certainly it helps to be able to concentrate and think of a lot of stuff at once.

Since I don't do drugs..

I've insisted on coffee..

A huge ammount of exercise and the use of weed sparingly

& I swear I have my moments, probably better then anything you guys with the good stuff can claim..

However I don't do stunts on motorcycles yet..

I have some stories that are kind of unbelievable & maybe that's why she'd doubt.

Though I want to tell them to people I love, in an effort to make sense and explain stuff..

The way I was taught by my elders..

The other day I watched a few minutes of a Lindsey Lohan movie & to me she's got nothing on you.

So it seems reasonable that you should be filthy rich for what you do..

To me...

I mean I appreciate a bargain, for someone who might deserve it & supporting the locality..

Normalized it's routine servicing.. Even if you feel it's wrong, if everyone else is doing it.

I know I've questioned myself.

The first time was on Parsons, straight hottest girl I've ever seen in her way & my heart raced, I was int the Subaru & I said no and drove away..

Then I got a hotel over by the northside wafflehouse

& they had a new strip club that is now a Chinese restaraunt.

I got a room for a week & decided not to go..

Went out for a cigarette & this beautiful girl of 18, looked like her... Was at a hotel with an old man & some lady as an escort?

& they're trying to get me to open the door, I let em in & say I could've had that? Something like that with a questioning look towards this girl & the whole experience was kinda painful...

My ex came over finally again & i didn't want anything to do with her & I think I started working 2 jobs & sleeping in my car soon after.

It was always.. Well this is something I'm going to do for a little bit because it doesn't make sense to have a place when I only get 5 hours of sleep in between..

I'd get a hotel for a week sometimes just for the sake of normalcy. Then

I'm on bike

Coming from work in the hood, riding downtown..

& this girl kept asking me to suck my dick & I say no and she keeps saying well how about for this much & I said no, I mean she was not pretty at all & on top of that, I have no interest in such pursuits..

Eventually she offered for a chicken sandwich & I gave her a dollar and rode off.. Again I'll admit I've been tempted by girls that are obscenely hot.. So hot, I never thought I could pull a chick like that..

All I have to do is pay money???

When I was in SF, one of the hottest girls I've seen in my life says, well I'm 24 and your 38 so it's implied there must be some kind of fee & I saw her point, respected her rationale, even though it doesn't apply to me..

The fact is these are the women with good genetics, that are either killed in the process, or probably so fucked up they could never raise a normal child..

I don't mean to downplay the resilience of women being able to block out terrible shit and move on with their lives...

I am saying that most of the "creme of the crop" of American women are hooked on drugs which tends to give people a healthier look and make a beautiful girl even more so..

However if they do not do what they do, some guy with tattoos from his forehead down will kill them.

& he probably works for a Chinese guy.. No lie.

& the more women join in, other women will look to it and wonder if they should be part of it

She told me once that there's nothing worse then a woman who will make guys expect the same thing from others..

I know I've damn sure wondered, well it's just modern...

Well people have grown to accept it. & look how hot some of these girls can get.

It's a service, rather then jacking off..

I remember when I went to NY way back & my friend threw it out there.. So you want to go to a massage parlor & gave me this look, like: it's so funny what these bitches will do, you really should see for youself..

Though i know its a shortcut

I watched porn over & over

& it planted a seed in my mind that i could do some of those same things for a fee.

This one was great it was a young mother to a college kid, who's like isn't this better then jacking off to porn as he nutted on her face..

Though i maintain that people should be fairly for what they do

I don't think medical or law enforcement should be a business,

i dont think religion should be for profit etc.

So i just named the biggest business' out there.

& in the name of capitalism

I like to say I understand.

I even read about it in old Steinbeck novels & such America was built on it..

Remember we are decedents of a penile colony..

& Puritans & quakers..

WTF?

Well we're not going to kill you, we should hang you or throw you in a dungeon but we're gonna let you go to America...

So I was working at this warehouse & it was hot etc.

Wanted me to ask my parents for

why didn't you take what's yours?

I deserved her thought nothing of it

Had a dream the other night that she was pregnant.

& i think it was confirmed with a cat ultrasound