I wisely decided to rotate books

but could not concentrate on anything else

at first it felt good...

He had a very soothing, simple matter of fact tone

that I felt was a plesent addition to my mindset

Now it feels like an eerie omnipresent thing I can't get out of my head

it's never good to feel overdone and 300 something pages is a lil much for one dose

surely like anything, time will expell it out of my system...

How long? Most drugs last about 6 hours I find,

I'm pretty sure it was Leo Tolstoy who had a quote

from a Czar that said something no one has the right to

fill someone's head with ideas,

I imagine a life with no entertainment and it would be

tolerable, maybe just the bible, food, work, if there were at least people to interact with..

You may feel used to crime shows and action movies

though it may take a month of no tv to really feel their effect on one's mind... Otherwise it's just the norm

I'm looking at the time, the 60s was it that he books takes place,

and I feel there is even more caution and resentment towards the outside world since

We've been conditioned to do so & I talked to people who would regularly hitch hike in those times

It was simply a means of transportation, before buses and cel phones and uber

odds were at some point, you might be stranded somewhere and need a ride

so people would pay ir forward, before such a term existed..

Even though there were still crazies in that time..

I'm reading an encyclopedia, where in 60 something there was a mass shooting..

& riots in dozens of cities

I thought Columbine was the 1st though, if I'm not misinformed, it has become like a weekly thing

I attribute being able to wear face coverings without startling people

and the prices unanimously going up, from gas to electric, to groceries..

crime has gone up tremendously

& you figure that would be impossible..

with every home, business, traffic light having 8 different camera angles

though violent crime has nearly doubled yet

I can not go anywhere without being recorded and I'm used to it

though that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt my soul

If it hasn't helped can we at least get rid of the cameras

and the thought might terrify the average person...

How could I feel safe, without being recorded every moment?

Can't even imagine allowing my soul to feel a sense of privacy...

No, the coporations want to see all of your buying habits & your driving ones

they insist that there is nohthing about you that they should not know

well we will grow accustomed to it, for there is no way they'll give us inner peace back...

Maybe that's why so many people are freaking out

Now, many states have allowed for concealed carry

so people can defend themselves from all the madness..

Though the thing is, a gun is one of those things, that if you don't have one

you'll probably never need it... Chances are if you have one on you

you might always be looking to make sure you don't have someone to shoot

& it can quickly escalate making it's own need for itself

Was that guy looking at me suspiciously? one thinks to themselves,

not realizing that they are sending out signals of alarm

it's only a matter of time until some situation escalades

as in the quote: live by the sword, die by the sword..

I'm not saying that a person can not be well trained enough to keep a gun on them

yet look to the outside world without changing ones manner..

I feel those people are few and far between

I'm pretty sure, the goal is for crime to increase to a level, where people would hope everyone would give up their arms

So that the government and police could rule with an iron fist too.

I woke up with a headache

and I remembered my resolution only after I busted a nut

I find this strange, though what can I possibly do

but set another goal, insisting that I remember next time.

If at 1st you don't succeed...

There has nothing I haven't been able to program so far...

With every attempt I insist that I am gaining more self control.

The frustration is the timeline...

I won't be normal until May...

The cycle has to restart

& it was going so well,

I felt the normalcy of looking to another human being

for some reciprication and exchange

& to me, this is my normal.

Relieving myself with my hand automatically

What helps me along is the hope, I'm not the only one

That other people have been conditioned to masturbate,

not to take the blame off of me completely

to hope that my success could be considered one for man kind.

The weird thing is, I feel I have more self control then the average person...

Since,

I used to fast, a lot, like once a week

& nowadays I feel it's unfair to those around me

in LA I fasted and by the night time, I was feeling so badly I threw up

what I spewed out was particularly vile..

Though had I never started fasting...

I literally would probably still need a cigarette every 2 hours..

If I didn't have one, I'd ask people

if I couldn't get one that way, I'd check on stoops where people

sometimes left cigarettes, apparently knowing the feeling

but if I couldn't find one there I might search through ash trays

and that was a reformed me, in Maryland I promised someone I would never pick up cigarettes off the ground again

in exchange for a pack.

& it was funny because I had a pretty good run after that.. I may have went nearly 2 years without ever needing to...

I had friends that might pick up a "juicy" snipe as they were called in Seattle and to this day I may eyeball a nice halfie

someone disregarded..

I remember in New York I went something like a day before I found a pack in the Bronx of all places...

You'd think it more likely, something someone would do in Manhattan where someone might just drop $15 and not know it

however in the prior, it's more likely that they too, have felt the longing and I feel like after that, people, who could afford to do so

felt more obliged to do something nice like that & it's weird, what led me to those packs, I could have just as well taken a different turn

and not even know they were left there.. I remember once in Virginia, I think it was I found a whole pack of Malboros

someone had discarded, possibly in a charitable manner that was completely soaked by the night priors rain..

I think I found 2 such packs and at least 2 that although wet, were mostly salvageable & I remember the immense joy I felt

from having a full pack of somewhat wrinkled, somewhat brown cigs.

Only weeks ago, I felt the similar joy of having one of my needs met.

& it has been universally difficult for everyone to meet their needs

Especially their social ones