It's never healthy to just feel like the listener just knows what's going on

& I find it's quite helpful to just speak my thoughts into words

so we're on the same page.

I like that George Bernard shaw would spell like he wanted...

Me in a daze,

taking days to get to the Ocean & do my laundry

talking 5

ended up working one but before that, I stepped in a puddle..

Well my shoes are ruined..

Went to the mall

actually a couple of them

checked Marshalls, Burlington & the bobos were worse then ever

the K Swiss were at the good shoe store & they were $70!

I walk into the best one so far

the 1st thing I saw was some Reeboks and at the bottom said: represents you

I looked closer and it said something to the equivalent of memory foam though the message stuck with me.

In America, a man's shoes and fade mean so much.

There were 2 pairs of Pumas that I liked in the !Discount area! For the same price as the cheapo ones at Ross were some legit cool shoes

& I couldn't do it...

Couldn't find the Benjamin Franklin quote that said beware a discount because others will think that's what you value. Though here are some good quotes of his. I mean I don't remember what it was that made me not wear Nike in the first place..

Don't think about it, do it! I told you to, just do it

The one I like is: Don't talk about it, just do it.

Because they are made in Indonesia? I'm pretty sure all the shoes at the stores are made in a sweat shop equivalent.

New Balance were 5% made in U.S.A. should I support them because at least a small part is produced conscientiously..

Anyway Reeboks are a UK brand and master P was talking about buying them out with Addidas.

who along with Puma are German companies.. So if they are all manufactured in sweat shops...

Might as well buy the American brand... I mean all over the world people who wear Nikes are wearing the American brand

even though sometimes the swoosh might look kinda stupid..

I don't think there has ever been a more ideal time to make an American shoe line for the budget conscious..

I mean stylistically, ethically, all that.

& I'm at the mall this dude sits by me who's necklace and watch were probably $50,000 and he's eating at the food court

Looking lonely just like me.. I wanted to strike up a conversation.. So you a rapper or what?

I was talking to someone about something being able to help me talk to people, to interact with your surroundings

& he said, well I think that's just drugs in general that help do that... & he wasn't talking about pharmaceuticals though even them

Dr's recommend taking your medication every day.. & since it's in limited amounts "for pain"

People gotta do all this pretending and sucking & hiding, all that so they can stay on em

To me it's a some weekend kinda thing..

I'd like to take this moment to say if half of the country are on Opiods, (heard that somewhere)

If so,maybe we should consider making them legal.

Though factor in coke users even at it's dirtiest & I think drugs should be legal in some states maybe.

So many people profit on each cut

& The fetty & the shit, just a bunch of terrible alternatives.

I mean ideally people wouldn't even need to do drugs.

They'd be fine without em..

Though mostly they try to compensate.. To make the best them, it's a short cut & should be used in moderation.

Though for profits sake they want you hooked.

When people try to be happy, a lot of time what they really want is social health.. It's a theory that people are more complicated then dolphins

though it's so hard to have a lover.. What if they decide to cheat.. What if it hurts again.

The pay for it method

Cuts out all the communication involved, all the difficulties minus monetary.

Lets just say the people who are printing the money are having a ball

in a relationship..You have to be able to talk stuff out and all types of things you weren't prepared for might come up every single day.

and have to be addressed

Worked in TX & I tell this story more often then any other one...

Because I have failed at explaining the whole concept.. I'll mention one part of what I learned but forget a crucial element etc.

It's kinda fucked up, I guess.. Asking people how they feel about stuff that I'll write about later.

I usually make the rule that if I say something out loud I don't write it

& at a moment in time, & someone might remind me of something I was thinking of

Then and there, I have to decide if I use it in conversation or save it for later...

& I just pull it out of the catalogue of stuff I've been thinking about, kinda tossing around.. I swear 80%+ gets lost until

I start recording voice memos real quick..

Though too much time, I spend in auto pilot.. Looking into concepts and how they make me feel

going back through the memories, set off in a southpark random chain of events.. I'm doubtful I can find the one I'm talking about, though they put

my jumbled thoughts into perspective exactly & I guess we're the content writers, but there's a time for working & thinking about my next step

> If I'm trying to be fast..

I had trouble getting good at cataloguing,

I'll try to think of others but for the most part, anything else..

I'll smoke you, doesn't matter what it is, after 3 months of doing it I'll be breaking records & ish

& that's what I realized, when I went off on a venture... At the time people were doing it constantly..

Travelers, train people etc.

It's the gov guys that don't make it safe for a girl to live or leave,

so they'll stay in their place or go off with who they're intended to

Had one of the hottest girls I've ever seen run away & find me, had her friends going to pick her up

In my pimping 101 in LA dude tells me it's a separate charge called white slavery..

& we got to talking and she tells me, I can't believe I haven't been locked up yet..

Basically in retrospect, I think about it like, she saw the impeding doom and made this escape plan me & her friends to go to Portland.. That's where she said she wanted to go.

& I spent hours talking to her trying to give her pointers & recommending she stays working.

Lord help me this shit is so crazy.. These kinds of things happen few and far between.. For the most part

I'm releasing endorphins by reading and exercising.

I make myself out to be the victim

Like I had a chance , i didn't live up to the task

Some girl comes up to me like the mayors on bike and wants to talk to you.

& I said nope because I had a premonition that we were gonna get shot

He'll never know it but I probably saved his life.

& when I could've sold my pictures for a duffel of weed

It was sketchy because it felt like the girl I saw before looked like she knew something good was gonna happen.

Plus I couldn't even keep cases of chocolate in LA without people grabbing at them..

Couldn't imagine trying to hold on to a real sack..

& the guy tells me, I have a kid, he's putting himself on the line...

What strikes me, is that they don't see how disappointed I am with myself when I fail..

Life will give you all the cues you need, if you understand that sot of thing & it's always getting sloppy, that seems to

make me have to leave..

& I tell myself it's for the better, I didn't see any other options & it could've turned out way worse.

I went to ______: & wasn't doing my push ups? I had that weight on my shoulders... Or she wasn't mine but I had a chance to

& I wasn't doing Push-ups!

What I'm pretty good about is reading, in combination with talking to new people and hearing the way they explain stuff

my powers are further heightened.. & at a time without coffee, I might stammer.. I don't give a fuck, too tired.. I'm not trying to impress & every moment is like an interview so while i'm dazing around

Thinking about how I'm gonna say all this : I just walked in front of the old lady at the register like an ox etc.

With substances like coffee I have to have some down time, sometimes even in the middle of the week

so I can impress on Friday when everyone else is tired.

It's not one of those things you can just keep drinking more

& the weed, I usually don't need it .. In LA I would have Popeye rough moments. We're all rushing but people are starting to get in my way & I'm getting flustered & I bring out the just in case spliff..Like some cherries in PacMan it gets them off the nuts

for a moment & I try not to use them often but realize. I'm being scrutinized when I'm not high just kinda having a bad day

& see we were raised by those who never had bad days.. Were consistent, never took a day off in their life, never wanted to..

I'm not saying vacations, Sorry the company made me use my sick days kind of individuals that made places like Miami, Las Vegas, New York

& they're still adding to it but in a few years the malls will all be closed, even the most popular ones in the nation have amazing stores and restaurants that are now baron..

Plus I feel submerged with these whiny puny news personalities complaining about panic attacks

and socially incapable of basic social interactions... That's the corporate standard, cold.. Lifeless displaced by anything that isn't standard small talk.

the mentality: We're going to increase the shelf life by adding preservatives and genetically modify the crops to get a big yield..

Is it safe? We don't know, it's ok as long as I'm getting paid, I have no say in the matter anyway.. I am just a shareholder.

& me, I tell myself

It's going to be so good, just get us there..

Your gonna appreciate the fuck out of it.

Then there's doubt and the clock

Aint no way I'm gonna get all these girls

If I don't have tremendous cream to back it up

I even want to see 15 kids with my best friend's faces on them

and want to help raise all of em, to have our own schools. If you didn't already know, I love my friends.

& that's crazy some would say, I should want to stick to one

and I do & i failed, though it was my intention the whole time

When I didn't say what I needed to say, when I didn't take time to be like hold up,

I know the time constraints are important but this is more important & let me get like 10 minutes

ok now lets us talk for 10 minutes because I'm feeling conflicting things.. I haven't really explained myself how I've meant to

shit does not come out, ever tried washing something soiled.. So in some hair...

I thought about shaving my ass but the 1st day I had a room & some clippers I stopped.. I think that will make me gay

I decided:

I'll get back to that.. So I was gonna write up 2024 & it was legit 6 years ago + and with all the coffee I needed at my disposal

& with the good will of my benefactor.. I watched hot ass porno and went to bed

So the story I always tell is: I was hitting the want ads

& I got a demo job 15 an hour and with that, for the 1st time in a grip..

I could eat what I wanted & I didn't have any weed but I was driven by necessity

& I'm usually trying to outmove the guy

for fun's sake

people say I don't crack the whip or some shit like that but they're looking at it wrong

this is what's fun to athletes.. It's all karate at the end of the day...

The ability to (not mold) but effect my environment

like putting those boxes there where they go real fast

i can use both my hands and in two minutes, you'd be surprised at how many decisive actions I can get in.

That's production my friends.. I say, let the machines do all the work that we can't do and the rest of the menial labor

is spread equally... You can choose, when you're in the mood to do some cleaning but everyone has to do at least 5 hours a week type ish

Just carve the crib out of stone... Then you can just power wash it & be done with :)

So I was as good as this guy for a couple days and after work we had been drinking beers

2 tall cans to be exact & I was peppy the next day..

Matter of fact, on my birthday in Florida last time, instead of a big dinner like usual, I ate something, had a beer by myself and felt sad

then was beaming at work on the morrow.. It's just something I wonder at.. So I'm constantly asking people for their opinions on it

by running something along the lines by on them..

Though I insisted that I wasn't an everyday drinker and the following day, the boss was like I gotta cut your pay

I've wielded a machete for 8 hours a day for around a week before someone cut himself & I got scared.

but this guy, he says to me.. Man for 15 dollars an hour, all I do is make sure my heart doesn't explode...

& it's mostly about staying focused and finding the next logical task quickly..

Knowing when you're licked..

Super important

The gettaway plan sometimes it's: just get far enough away

One day at work there were some wipies laying around

& I was like I'll take the hint and picked em up

and logically she's like why do you smell of a girl

Couldn't figure it out for the life of me, like an hour later..

oh it's just these wipes

already feels to her I've been cheating

& how do you explain to someone that I'll probably just do dumb stuff..

Then she had to "get even" I guess in retrospect..

& I said I was gonna leave her alone..

Though all signs point to go to her & I'm in the same boat as when I left

& I told her I'd never contact her again & I'd never show up there.. At least last time I tried, I had enough to get a car. Though I didn't get it..

If I could have anything I wanted it would be her working with me for our success.

Because I'm losing faith in getting it on my own..

I was aware: when if it's not yours don't pick it up

I remember the 1st time my anguish was too much for me...

I didn't know what to do with myself so I just started walking..

, & had I been weaker I might've said I'll kill myself, then she'll feel bad.. Um no, that's what she wants.. Mind you this was the first time maybe 12 years ago..

I walked it out in steel toes..At the time dude's adderoll subscription would be a 3 day event & I would get like 8 off of him

and maybe eat 3 it didn't take me much to walk my feet into shreds until I was tired and I went to sleep

In time I accepted it as it is.. & I'd just want to walk and think.. It's funny because my grandpa I never talked to

but he'd tell my mom he knows

when I roam. After WW2 he didn't write to anyone: just disappeared for years & i feel the pain of war around me and young girl warriors trapped..

Theres always money in that and there's not enough out there & people have to feed their families and it's distressing

The condition of others in poverty hurts my soul.

and I can't do anything but practice and hope to make it big... Some might not think I deserve it

I think I could handle it wisely with set goals of how to make more by investing in machinery and the ability to construct machines.

Though right now I'm on the move..

It started this guy would come in without money and I gave him the leftover meatballs with the old bread rather then throwing it away

the boss said treat it like it was your restaurant and I'd try to hook it up phat

& one of the guys tells me, you shouldn't be so nice to us..

Your gonna end up like me & that sounded so preposterous

then again I'll say I'd just leave my friends or my family to go walk around

and this guy was walking downtown and goes look someone just dropped something..

He says, yeah all these drunk people, someone always drops stuff

& I started looking for stuff to find... It's weird how minds grow accustomed & it used to be interesting, talking to people with mania

in Seattle I talked to a lot of people on that shit and they'd speak in riddles and sway

I'd hope to be able to at least tune into their frequency and try to partake in their convo

I've seen that I too am capable of being a completely different version of myself.

but I hated it, wounded by the one i love because I didn't notice, didn't step up

I could feel my third eye but couldn't do anything about it.. Felt blinded in a sense..

after the napkins, I guess she felt she had to get even

& I don't like to repeat myself. When we started this thing we agreed that we need exercise

and we'll work & if we're going to cheat

we'll break up with the other person first.

I said it, I meant it and didn't forget

When I'd say no, I failed to find the words and assurance you needed

pissed off about work & who knows what was going on in my absence

though I talked recklessly when I think about it & I was so engrossed in myself and fear from the past I didn't step up heroically didn't even notice, I'll be damned, if she didn't stop using complete sentences probably weeks before I left..

Got the rules, doesn't matter if it's my own flesh and blood certain things are unacceptable and I have to treat everyone the same

god gave me the patterns from hard work and discipline...

If this, it always ends up bad..

can't be emotional because these are tell tale signs that don't change just because you love someone..

If you don't expect respect, you'll probably get disrespected & it's tough

cross your lines enough & you'll probably find yourself 'taking a loss I can't believe she thought I was one of the ones trying to get less out of her then she's worth..

The streets don't forget, you let one go & that means you are prone to..

Anyway, so me & dude were getting paid 15, I got a pay cut and it was a Friday & the guys who were doing the electrical & were really getting paid.. Say voy a la visitar los pobre chicas of.... Whatever the neighborhood was called.. Every big city's got one & the dude who was claiming to be all religious goes: ayuda lo and they exchanged a laugh.. All for awareness.