My domain won't let me on through my phone anymore for years but I kept it

& now I cant log in from my pc

I let it slide because I don't know how to start from scratch

now i have to change my password every time to log in..

& at the wawa some 70+ man was filling up his bike & someone made it so you cant up the pressure

To hurt him or me apparently & I think to myself I should've bought something anyway & initially there was panic,

I thought well I probably won't be able to fill my tire here & prepared myself to go elsewhere though luckily I had

practice determining if it was actually deflating and it turned out there wasn't much to it..

Now the whole thing doesn't work though I've been in a position to by my own pump..

If you want to prove your not a tard

You look and smell clean

Drive a decent car

Not rocket science

& with Corona people might overlook if you miss an insurance payment but I was super hesitant about driving and

losing my investment & initially I was prepared to drive but I didn't pull it off... Still spent up my savings on travel, don't think I've spent 4hundroondro

How many times had I rode my bike because I hate gasoline & emissions, scents of exhaust

On principle I hurt myself & I dont care about impressing people but I must consider the opinions of others when one associates with me & she was willing to put up w my ass

& truly I looked up my dilemma & im pretty sure the best I can do is a bath a day without insurance & those options are kinda iffy as well.

So it's not strange that before I had her I attracted no interest from super hot girls

Or more likely I hardly ever saw them or was in position to casually talk with them and she knew that I would as soon as I had her & that others would be extremely jealous of me

. It's not that I didn't believe her I just did not always find ways of applying her suggestions & honestly I thought her word as good as gold so I simply didnt understand what was going on sometimes.. I wouldn't apply what I was taught about taking a moment to put things into words & try to come up with what needed to be said. I explained that I was not good at the Seattle game of refuting someone when they are testing my intentions..

Honestly most of the time I would've dealt with her on any terms she wanted..

We talked it over before

& I didnt want to rush into sex and felt it should be for procreation though I did anything she wanted (nope) though mostly was like oh that's what you want ok...

Some other guy was like she's gonna have her way either way & it hurts to know that & to put your trust in to someone like that though it is impressive.. Like when you play someone in chess and there's nothing you can do.. I liken it to being hypnotized by a snake... I just wish she'd use this power on someone who deserved it & she'd want to make me stronger.. That was there & I lost that regard. I will forever morn and inspect and kick myself in the ass for losing your good esteem.

Maybe I could've got it back but it wasn't through submission. There's a lot of things to do if I plan on being good enough for you.. Kinda rushed it and then proceeded to insist you hear from me without hearing back & thought I'd stop & have you missing me

& it was up to me to say oh we agreed to this & I dont feel you've followed through on our agreements Should we change them?

It's hard for me to believe you aint know that I'd love to buy her things & take her out though the plan was to get a place 1st though it wasn't agreed upon & I felt often that she'd work against me in that regard her therapist said she should try an organic diet and all of a sudden I have to pay double on groceries.. So I could've said let's just eat regular for 3 more weeks and when I get a place we'll go organic. Though I was scared over my past fears & failed at a reassuring her for everyone else that had let her down

& she'd apply other's shortcomings to me..

Saying stuff like I know guys they wont leave one relationship unless they have someone else lined up..

& I could've persuaded, the power of persuasion especially physically...

Its like I couldn't believe that she wanted me to physically reassure her...

I didnt hide anything from her & was almost ready to talk about anything

However

There was some foul part of me that must have rejoiced at her being jealous from me

I mean I told her she had no reason...

It's like this

When we were only talking on the phone

I asked her about being impulsive

& she responded why I'd die before I hurt you

And like usual she casually put into words exactly how I felt about it & it's not that I didnt want to reassure her I'd just get frustrated when I was questioned or doubted & I ought to have gladly and expertly reassured her as often as she needed that I might be negligent & miss something, on top of that my phone might not send me stuff in time & all kinds of things that might appear to be sketchy & I'm at fault for most of it just being careless though I don't want to be but there's always an explanation because I could never hurt you. You are what I've wanted for so long I'd never do anything that could make me lose her

Though I didnt feel I had to because she was connected to me physically & she tried to explain that she was feeling hurt & I must've missed it or something.. There's really no excuse, I look back at it like a dear in headlightsI had no idea shed respond by trying to make me suffer for being connected

& my biggest regret, I mean I'm pretty happy in general with life even though i dont have much to show, though when I remember when i didnt make my intentions clear that i loved and wanted to have a family with only her my heart aches and I let out a terid sigh.

I mean

I really want to say it beautifully & then I'll leave her alone

My dream said shes pregnant & that's my sign to stop. She told me i died in hers & i felt if I could try to stay on her thoughts otherwise i could make another appearance & mostly i just cant leave these things I've been thinking of for so long unsaid.. but I promise once I piece this last thing together by this weekend I'll stop...

(a lil late) I remember everything was good and the next day she'd come home to my weekly unsure if I was retarded and kinda testing the waters.. Then we'd have a great day and everything was good but then again tomorrow. This has been a persistent theme led by my parents, I guess to alleviate blame for my behaviors on them.

I believe there is nothing ignoble about the intention to be self made by legally working for my money other then my use of weed that I feel is the most helpful to me.. & I've gone through such difficulties to not accept the help of those that try to down me.. & I feel I'm typically logical & smart but I found that though she switched from tap she wouldn't go to 24 pack & stuck to gallons just to not follow suit.. I didn't want to try melatonin or melanin but one day she convinced me & I think she'd want me to go against what I wanted to out of laziness kind of or just she felt I was saving my parents help for some other girl. It's a fundament, to not seek support from those that try to hurt me but I put up with it mostly out of laziness and it's unacceptable.